I'm so useless. Be kind and help others, and be reciprocated. What craps! All I can say now, is I'm on the verge of breaking down.

I can't help feeling I'm a tool to others. Be it real life or net friends, I'm always there when they need my help. Never once did I reject them (unless its not within my limit) when they asked for my help. I ask for nothing in return. After all, "a friend in need is a friend indeed" (probably a wrong usage of phrase.. but well...) . I feel obliged to help them, and will always "give all in". (argh.. really poor command of English)

My "ex-bosom friend" is a perfect example of my topic today. I always help her as much as I can. But after every help, I feel that she's drifting further from me. Actually, you know, everytime after I've given help to her, something will happen. A drastic change in our friendship. She'll broke off our friendship. I tried mending it. But each time when our friendship became closer than before, the same thing will happen again. Before we broke off (our friendship), she'll always asked me for help. So.. "one leg kick" the next day. And off I go.

Two years.. I've been keeping this to myself for two years. If not for today, I wouldn't know how long I would still keep this to myself.

I really feel that I'm silly at times. Why did I so stupidly mend our friendship back again and again, knowing that she's merely using me? Why am I always letting myself being used by others? I'm too silly.

My "best-est" net friend is chionging her MapleStory level to level 70. Been helping her for about twelve levels, with two more levels to go. So, as her friend, of course, I feel more than obliged to help her. However, I logged on late today due to unfinished housework. Some times after I logged on, she told me that she's training with the friends of her friend. And asked that I can go Zakum if I want to. Truth be told, I was having a bad headache for the whole day. And the pain hasn't subside yet. But due to the fact that I want to help her get to level 70 as fast as possible, I ignored my pain, and log in as early as I could to train with her. But, this is what I get in return of my ache? And because the friends of her friend are going off, she SMS-ed me to ask if I'm logging in.

At that moment, I feel... a knife is piercing through my heart. The feeling is coming back again... I'm just being thrown away after I'm no longer of any use. And "picked up" only when I'm of some use. (sounds like some kind of rubbish yea?) I feel so hurt. Really feel like crying at that moment. (yes, I'm a very vulnerable girl no doubt) I just hate myself. And for no reason, I'm just angry with myself. Not anyone else.

What a silly person I am. Why do I keep letting myself being used by others? I really hate myself. Why, why am I always suffering in silence?

(argh.. I'd be better off to bed then.)

P.S. Actually, I'm really grateful to Blogger. If not for Blogger, I wouldn't know what would've happen to me in the past few months. And despite the fact that I still keep to myself, I'm just glad that I'm able to relieve part of my pain / happiness to Blogger.