I finally broke down this morning.. in front of brother's girlfriend. Tears just rolled down when brother's girlfriend persuaded me to go to school. I don't remember when's the last time I cried. AND I don't expect my brother to see me crying too. Because.. the feeling is.. (I don't know how to explain). It's weird. Honestly speaking, no one in my family has seen me crying since x years ago (can't remember the exact year. it's just very very long time ago). I'm so vexed. I really don't know what to do.

I really don't know who else to confide to, because I know for sure that once I bring up the topic, my tears would roll down for sure. That's the reason why I always keep to myself. I know its a terrible feeling.. to keep so many things in my heart. But, I really don't know what to do. The only "person" I could thought of, was my blog. It's a pixel. I don't have to hide my feelings, don't have to be afraid that my tears would just roll down suddenly, and most importantly, it doesn't have a pair of eyes. That is, I can just type what I want, need not care about my confidant. Ah, craps. I really don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm feeling really down. Frankly speaking, I really love studying. But, the thought of having to attend lessons with classmates who are younger than I am really.. (once again, I don't know how I should put it =/) I dread that feeling. I know everyone would say that, they are only 2 or 3 years younger than I am. But, that really stressed me out, you know? You see, they are younger than I am, but they know much more than me. I feel so useless. I just can't do things right.

I dread presentation. How simple-minded I am. I always thought that we would learn mainly accounting theory. Erm, I don't know what's that called. =/ It's just that, I always that we would do accounts in every lesson (just like what we do in POA classes). But the truth fails me. After attending two lessons, I realised that we have to do presentations. And we've to do a fifteen slides presentation for the CA. I'm really stressed out by that. I've always hate presentations. I'm totally clueless about that.

I'm really useless. I'm clueless about what's going on in other classes. The only place when I find myself useful was when I attend accounting lesson. Accounts really bring back old memories. I feel really confident when I was doing accounts that day. That's where I really find myself useful in. It's a total different feeling from other two classes. As a person with low self-confidence, doing accounts just boost my confidence (alot alot).

Actually, I'm really joyous at the idea of attending school again. However, I don't know why, I just dread going to school. The feeling is totally different from attending Polytechnic. I'm quite looking forward to attending classes in Republic Poly. I wasn't afraid at all, neither do I dread going to school. The only thing that I was afraid of, was when we had to discuss about the "topic" (whatever that's called) of the day. So, yea, the feeling's totally different. Now, I had the "sluggish" feeling whenever I wake up in the morning. I really don't know what to do.

I know it isn't healthy at all to suffer in silence. But I really don't know what to do. I didn't tell mum about it as I didn't want to spoil her holiday. In addition, I know I would cry out when I told her about this. If I quit, I'll be wasting mum's money. And I seriously don't want this to happen again. I already wasted part of the school fees for Poly (last year), I don't want to waste any again. I know earning money is really hard. We've to pay so many bills, and mind you, its a hefty sum. I don't want to disappoint her either (and brother's girlfriend as well). I know mum is really happy knowing that I'm finally attending school again. So, if I quitted again, I'll really be letting her down. Also not forgetting brother's girlfriend who has done so much for me, care for me. How can I disappoint them? I don't want brother's girlfriend to keep getting worried over me. I'll be really selfish if I do that. =/

Mum has told me over the phone (last night) that if I really can't cope, then don't force myself. Though I am relived upon hearing that, I'll still be letting her down. She'll be really disappointed. I don't want that to happen. This will be a stepping stone to my dream - Polytechnic education. If I quit, I'll regret for life. CAT's on my mind these days. However, the fees are really huge. I did a rough calculation, and its like almost SGD5000? That's really too much as compared to ITE's. How could I bear to ask mum for such a huge sum of money? After CAT, there's still ACCA. I guess it should round up to SGD 10 000 in total. That's really too much. I'm in a dilemma.

What shall I do?

Stop crying, you weakling!

P.S. "Dilemma" should be a better word to substitute "turmoil" in my previous post (on 29 April 2007). *boo my lousy English*