that lady.
the rants.

sweet desires.

sweet escapes.
the past is gone.
| Tuesday, 29 July 2008
22:20

Alright. So you've found out what happened.
Ain't I silly?
Actually that ain't a problem in the first place.
But I'm thinking far too much, which made it what it is today.
This shouldn't have happened at all.
I should have more confidence. But I just couldn't bring myself to do so.
Just because of all these nonsense, I've been avoiding and ignoring you since that day.
I know you felt terrible.
I know you're worried.
I know you've lost sleep over this.
You've lost concentration in class, too.
I've been making you worried since Cynthia told me about that.
And have since hurt you. It must be very deep. I know.
I don't know how to face you.
I don't dare to look into your eyes.
Actually things have already changed for the better last week.
But just because I thought too much, things has changed for the worst these two days.
You keep blaming yourself for what you did, which made me feel guilty.
But in actual fact, you really did nothing.
I just tend to think a lot you see.
I really feel like killing myself at times.
For causing you so much agony and pain, hurting you, worrying you...
I'm sure you're tired of all these nonsense.
I hope you understand that I'm in no position to stop you from doing what you want.
Neither do I have the intention to do that.
I was really surprised that day.
I'm really happy.
But the moment we didn't talk, I just thought of that again.
And there I goes quiet.
Actually I've forgotten about what happened when we boarded my favourite bus, 234, home.
(and now you know why I changed my decision to take 334 home)
You asked me that question out of a sudden.
I didn't look at you.
Instead, I turned away from you.
Because I could feel that I'm beginning to teared.
I believe you should know about that.
I must've scared you, did I?
I'm really sorry about this.
You asked me several times if I'm really alright.
I said yes.
You couldn't possibly expect me to tell you about this, right?
It's just so hard for me to say out you know.
Actually, I don't know why I confided in Cynthia, too.
Now I'm hating myself.
Cynthia already have got her share of trouble.
Yet I'm always troubling her with these stuffs.
I should restrain myself from doing so.
Actually, I'm really touched by what you did for me.
I feel loved.
Your care, your concern.. everything.
I can feel it.
I'm really sorry to have inflicted all these pain in you.
I didn't want to.
It just hurts me seeing you like this.
Ahh, I think I'm getting naggy.
Looking back, I wonder, why the heck do I have to type all these?
I don't know..
I think we should really have a chat some day. To sort out everything.