It was with such strong emotions as I'm blogging. Everything was so fake. I could no longer differentiate between truth and lies. Love hurts. AND it never heals. I remember I was in school pre-listening to Yoga Lin's new album when Mei Bao sms-ed me. It was playing 'shuo huang'.

Just as I was on the road to recovery, things had to happen once again. I've lost my pillar of strength. I no longer have the strength and willpower to do anything.

(the above was typed with a mixture of feelings, based on what came into my mind at different point in time, with no intention initially of linkage to this post.)

The road ahead is blur. Home, is no longer where I belong. Where then, do I belong to?

And I finally broke down yesterday. I don't remember when's the last time I cried so bitterly. Perhaps, that was due to suppressing the sorrows, misery, and stress I've had since it happened. Wanted to look for second sister-in-law, but I didn't want to trouble her over perhaps, such 'small' things. Plus, her working hours aren't fixed. Eldest sister-in-law wasn't in my thought because I know she's busy enough due to work and family. Friends were busy as well. Had thought of looking for them, but I didn't want to travel through those routes anymore. You know, each time I see bus 74 when I travel to and fro school, the hurt deepens. And the thought of travelling to second brother's house in Woodlands would mean I have to take the red-line train. It will no doubt add on to the hurt as well. Somehow, each and every little detail we had will link to the things I do, or will do.

With everyone busy with their lives, how could I still trouble them with my not-so-important problems? I know bottling everything within myself ain't healthy. But what to do? I know friends will say, they'll be there for me. But.. I really don't know. Perhaps, just let me return to the past, where I'm all alone; the person who never confide in anyone.

I actually am on the road to recovery, yet I'm plugged with something that's just happened the previous day. I know I could no longer take it this time.

I went to school in the morning, and reached home near 11pm, when lecture ended at 4pm. I stayed in school after the lecture because I really need some time alone. I don't feel like returning home. But the place I was at, OurSpace, closes at 10pm. Had no choice, but to leave for home. Just as I didn't want bus 157 to arrive fast, it arrived within minutes of alighting outside the Shell station. Reached my block at 10.30pm, but I really have no wish to return home. Then I walked over and sat at the place where you asked if we could be together. Those memories, came running back.

Mum made a total of 18 calls on my handphone. I didn't pick up any at all. I know it's wrong of me to do that. I know I've worried her this way, but I really want no contact with anyone. And I know I'll get scolded when I reached home. True enough, I really did. I didn't blame her because I know it was my fault. But I could no longer suppress my feelings. And I finally broke down. I stayed in the toilet for 45 minutes, crying my lungs out. And at certain points, really felt like leaving this world.

Home, I could no longer find a sense of belonging. I wanted to find excuse to go out, but library's ain't opened on public holidays. Now I'm really like a mute. And I haven't smiled since this happened. Very soon, I'll get even introvert than I am now.

The future looks bleak. The path; where will it lead me to?

I'm.. tired..

This, has got to be the lowest of lowest point in my life.


It's an irony that I'm able to blog so much, but when it comes to writing essay, I could not write anything.


Edited:

I remember when's the last time I cried so bitterly. It was on 27.03.2008; the day we sent uncle on his last journey.

Labels: Down

Sorry dear.. I'm really useless.. I'm sorry to have made you worry again. =(

I promise I'll take care of myself okay.

I love you. x3


It actually ain't a bad thing afterall that you do your stuffs last minute. At least that gave me a chance to see you before you left for your destination. =)


Today's the first time you told me about your reminiscence. =D

Labels: 08.09.2009

Hi all, I'm back.

Something happened recently, and I just feel like letting out.

Well I guess no one knows how much I cherishes friendships. Friends means alot to me. If you know me well enough, you'll know my weakness is that I find it hard to reject help from friends. And now, I'm just hurt and disappointed at what happened.

"People do change over time." Thank you. So that's how you see me.

Yes, my character is level 200 already. And I promised I'll spam you. I gave you my promise and I'll do it. It's just a matter of time. You phoned me for help when your spammer left after awhile and you expect me to be on call for you? Surely you don't expect me to be available at all times, do you?

We were once guildmates and I definitely treasure the times we (Babylon-ians) had there. Those times were really fun. And the bonds we built there. Though it's just a pixel away, I definitely treasure the friendship we have. I'm really glad we managed to 'find back' each other in game after two long years. But yet, I didn't expect this had to happen. And because of this, I've lost faith in making new friends in game. I no longer feel like logging in my main. And I kinda lost interest in playing as well.

Actually I had already wanted to spam you the other time, but you told me suddenly that you're not leveling that character already. So I didn't say a word. And now you break off our ties because, as mentioned in your blog, I "don't even bother to help" you. And if you did asked me that night if I could train you on x day, well, I'm sorry. I was already tired at that time and wasn't in a good mood. And I was chatting with another buddy of mine too.

But anyway, "thanks" for my big name in your blog, Mr James See. I'm really disappointed.

Labels: Babylon2, Disappointed, Down