现在，人生对我已经没有意义了。。

是你给了我勇气再爱一次。。也是你，让我无法再爱、无法再相信爱。。

我的最爱，始终还是你。。

我已没办法再爱任何人了。。

我只恨我自己，为什么让你再踏入我的人生。。

你没错，最错，都是我。。

谢谢你的爱 （如果确实有在）。。

没了你，也没意义、没生存的价值。。

也没什么好留念的了。。


Dear, I don't know if you'll ever read this.. But you were the one who gave me the courage to love again.. But now without you, I don't think I'll have anything to live for anymore..

Without me, you're so much happier and without obstacles..

I'm sorry that I pestered you for so long.. I didn't want to do that at all..

Farewell.. And please take care..

I love you..

Labels: Feelings, Past, Thoughts

其实心里一直都有一个疑问。。而这也是我这些年来的致命伤。。

虽然那天真的有股冲动想知道，但我始终还是放弃了这个机会。

虽然说我是有强烈的感觉说我应该知道答案 （毕竟，女人的直觉是还蛮准的嘛），但我想，不问，我会过得开心些。

现在的我，只想重新开始。


或者，若你觉得我应该知道，而又不会影响到我的话，到了一个恰当的时候你自己把答案告诉我吧。我 ok。

放心，这个 post 没其他意思。就只想把这些年来的一些心里话说出来而已。

Labels: Feelings, Past

Alright.. Back to reality.

Labels: Holiday, Past, Work

很痛。。还是很痛。。

专程去TPY是要吃了早餐就顺便去眼镜店，但原来眼睛店星期一休息，所以只得到＂那个地方＂去。结果经过那整段很熟悉的路，不禁把那些我一直努力想忘掉的回忆给勾起了。都已过了这么久，但原来我根本就无法忘记他对我造成的伤害。很痛。真的还是很痛。他们都说双子很flirt，但为何我却这么痛苦？

请别跟我说什么＂又没叫你去想＂、＂都已过了这么久，又有什么关系＂之类的话。去想，只是作贱自己。你知道我不想不去想咩？你的感情一帆风顺，你当然无所谓。也可以这么说，我承认我没那么洒脱，好吗？我的性格就是这样。所以，除非你和我一样，否则，不要对我说那些废话。毕竟，这种事是因人而异的。

Labels: Feelings, Past, Thoughts

How funny. I dreamt of that jerk again. Like nth time after it all happened already. -_- Anyway, seeing how 狼狈 he was in my dream just makes me LOL. lol.

Have absolutely no idea why the hell I dreamt of him again. Just get off my back, will you? Jerk. Thoroughly over and over.

Labels: Dream, Past

Was at VivoCity yesterday and went into a shop selling games and bears near Daiso. Just nice, they were playing the Final Fantasy XIII (or XIII-2) trailer or something when I went in. Was very much attracted by the television screen and its very beautiful music.

Wanted to look for Final Fantasy's movie but I didn't have that program installed on my laptop, hence looked for the songs from XIII instead. Happy that I managed to find quite a few - nice and soothing ones, but at the same time, emotional ones. I don't know why, but I'm just so attracted to such songs. I must admit I don't understand what they're singing, but the music is really beautiful. :>

However, as I listened to those songs, those memories got into my head again. I don't want this to happen.. I really don't want it to.. The more I listened to those songs, the more I thought of the past - the unhappy and hurtful ones. It hurts deeply.. even till now.

I'm not sure about other songs, but the Final Fantasy songs do remind me of him. Probably because I remember he used to play its games too.

YL says I've not gotten over him yet. Really, is that so? Perhaps, I really do. Well, I still do think of him at times. But well, that doesn't mean anything I guess. It's long past. Everything has changed, thoroughly. But.. I really don't know. I'm really confused. As I've said, it's been so long. Why haven't I rid him out of my life? What should I do seriously? It's hurting me real badly.. Ain't I supposed to harbour hatred instead? I find myself rather contradicting at times too..

Labels: Music, Past

I'm a happy girl now because I've finally deleted his messages off my phone. Those unread messages I mean, that's been bugging me for the past 1 year 3 months. Call me coward or whatsoever, but I never read those last messages eventually, if you wanna know. Bye, jerk!

By the way, it's amazing though, that no matter how I delete his number off my phone, his name still managed to get stored in my phone. I wonder how many different names I stored of him in my phone. But whatever it is, I just feel disgusted having to see his face appearing my contact list.

Labels: Past, The End

Changed my blog template like finally. Had wanted to change like ages ago, but just couldn't find the time to do so. Kinda hate the previous template because it practically contains all my unhappiness, in a way that they just turn my world upside down, like seriously. Actually the previous template was alright, but that was created with.. Oh well, shan't say any further. What's past, just let it be gone. Just don't wanna let those freaking memories hold me down. I'm living a good life now, ain't it? Am actually feeling very relief and such, now that I'm by myself. No longer like the past; I'm living for myself now. I'm really glad I did not let those hinder my studies, but instead made me grown stronger and stronger.

Labels: Past, Random

这次真的都放开了.. 不会再眷恋过去了。

Labels: Past, The End

Will be leaving Singapore tomorrow..

I really hope, the day I return will be the day I forget everything.

This is just so torturing.. The scar and the hurt inflicted, will never be gone, ever. Thanks for bringing me to my senses. I know I'm just so gullible. People said, "once bitten, twice shy". I fell once, but I fell for it again. I don't hate you for what you did to me for the first time. But this time, enough is enough. I hate to say this, but seriously, I hate you so. Seriously, I really hate myself for not letting you go long ago, or rather, for giving you a chance. I've only myself to blame, for my soft-heartedness which I guess you've seen through it long ago, which is why you had another chance of inflicting these to me once again. Thanks, seriously. I'll be on my guard. Trust me, I'll never be such a fool again. Despicable jerk. There're hell loads of ugly words to describe you, but no, I don't wanna pollute my blog.

Labels: Holidays, Hurt, Past, Shopping, The End

Labels: Feelings, Past

Baked strawberry jam cookie the other day but Dad wasn't at home. Hence, when I was using computer this afternoon, Dad took the cookie and asked where I bought it from. lolx. *happy* Had good review from Dad, though I wasn't satisfied with the results. Well, that was my very first attempt in making this cookie. Disappointed that I still couldn't control the oven well. =( I know appearance ain't that important, what matters is the taste, but still.. =(

Was listening to songs in computer as I played games on iPhone just now. 为何你对我许下承诺 was being played and there's flashbacks immediately. It's as if I'm being teleported back to that day. =( Sigh, just how long will it take to rid of those unhappy memories? =(

I'm just so disappointed in myself that, I can't seem to do good planning. It's just so some daily routine, nothing special at all. And I know things turned out to be boring. =( What disappoint the most was probably the melted cake. First, was late - very. Next, cake was melted. Further ahead, wrong choice of movie. "Special celebration" indeed. =(

Labels: Cookies, Disappointed, Down, Past

First lesson of the semester - Life Sciences Revolution. Lesson was fun and teacher's quite friendly. I love what I chose, lol. Part of the reason for choosing this module is because I'm quite into DNA. Actually no one knows about this, but after failing my DAE for Banking & Financial Services during the first year, I applied through DAE the following year again, but this time it's the life sciences course. So yep, other than accountancy, I'm rather interested in life sciences as well. And what a coincidence that, it's the second time that I'm with the same class as my former IQG classmate, Irah, again.

Guess what, first thing I did when I reached school was, to visit the library. Heh. Hardworking, ain't it? =D Okay la, actually I'm looking for my Mitch Albom. Searched on OPAC that "Have a Little Faith" is available and I'm really happy can! But when I went to look for it, it wasn't on the shelve. Went back to look for it after lesson, but it still wasn't there. Really disappointed. =(

Actually the reason why I insist on reading this book is because of its title. I didn't read the synopsis or anything. Just the title - it captures my eyes. I first found out about this book through the mailer sent by Popular last month. That was the period when I thought everything's alright and I'm recovering well, yet I'm having those flashbacks suddenly. And having seen this book, I thought, this might help somehow. However, I'm having second thoughts on buying it due to the price despite having 20% off.

Then, I went NLB's website to search for this book. And it shows a full list of libraries which has this book. The first on the list was that "A.." place. And I was totally.. you know. Searched for Jurong Regional Library and below it was Jurong West Library. Goodness can.. That just make things worst. =\ Anyway, bottomline is, all the places I could thought of, all has this book on loan already. =\

I so wanna read Mitch Albom's books! Because I find that his books are really meaningful. And hopefully, his books can really inspire me. Nevermind, be patient. =X

Oh, speaking of school.. I guess I'm really stupid enough to only realised there's this "fast/economical printing" function until yesterday. It's like, after printing notes for a year. -_-"

Anyway, I think I'm getting clever-er, somehow. I managed to find out how to set custom ringtone for iPhone. =D But sad thing is, I can only use the default message tones unless I jailbreak. =\ Seriously, I'd rather it's the opposite - changing message tones rather than ringtone - since I SMS most of the time. So now, unless I'm using my computer, I can't sense if there's any SMS despite having vibration. Anyways, I realised alarm tone can be changed too. Heh. Thank goodness, else I'm really afraid I won't be able to hear my alarm during school days.

Oh by the way, welcome Raymond Lam my ❤ back to my playlist! =D

Actually, I still dread seeing/hearing the place "AMK".

Labels: Books, IQG, Music, Past, School

So, school's starting tomorrow already. Just packed my bag and realised it's bigger in size than my previous one. That explains why I've been feeling something's weird about the bag. Apart from that, I find that this bag ain't that convenient as the previous one. As in, when putting stuffs into the bag. =(

Well, back to school just spells sianzation. But I miss my chicken mayo sandwich. <3 Thank goodness my IS module's in the afternoon, else I'll surely have heavy Monday blues since the morning session's at 8am. And someone would not let me watch my One Million Star for sure. =X

Deep within right now, I'm having mixed feelings with the reopening of school. It's not about school, but rather, something personal. It's about this time last semester.. I'm with a heavy heart right now.. The cold shoulder, begun exactly six months ago, and lasted for five days before you put an end to it. I'm sorry but it's not that I want to be reminded of that matter.. Those memories.. It just came upon me.

As Pei Er suggested, expressing the thoughts will aid in fading those memories.

I can only say, let time heal the wounds..

Labels: Down, Feelings, Past, School

Because of you..

` I gave up on KFC and no longer visit it since then.
- and I stopped eating Ben & Jerry's ice-cream.
` Your area, bus 74, are all that I never wanna hear and see.
- but it's just so unavoidable.
` I feared and avoided going to places we've been before.
` I feared going to Illuma especially, much less to arcade.
- because that was the last time I really enjoyed myself before you left me.
- vivid memories ; it just hurts during each visit there.
` I dread seeing Jurong Medical Centre each time I visit Jurong Point.
` I dread going to engineering building for lectures for fear that I might bump into your friends.
` I had to make a detour back home if there are chances of going through your area in train.
` Those memories just came running back to me whenever I see the photo which sister-in-law wanna give you.
` I gave up on baking.
` I especially dread the first day of every month.
` I'll lose my concentration when I saw people playing dota during lectures.
` It hurts, each time I heard the London Choco Roll song on television.
` I spent quite alot, trying to rid those stuffs related to you.
- and I stopped wearing most clothes which I always wore when I'm with you.

Labels: Past

Second round of pictures upload

Labels: Past, Pictures, Winnie The Pooh

Liverpool

Really disappointed. But no matter what, You'll Never Walk Alone. It's been more than six years since I supported Liverpool. Others (like brother) had given up in you, but no, Liverpool Football Club will always be my one and only supported football club. <3

It's true that Rafa had successful seasons when he just came, bringing Liverpool's fifth European Cup, FA Cup, second Champions League final and EPL (no, it's BPL now =X) runner-up last season. I'm still supportive of him, despite the disappointments this season. But, if he can't deliver, I guess, it's time.

20 years already.. Just how long more is the wait for Liverpool to be crowned EPL champions again?


Exam results

Results released on the 19th and I actually slept till 12pm before I checked the SMS. Reason being, I'm afraid I might fail my expectations. lolx. =X Anyway, I'm shocked. Yea, really shocked. The module which I disappoint myself so much, DSS, actually got me an A! Wow, my first "A" in NP! =D I know I must've gotten full marks for my final paper right? =X But even so, that still can't explain how this A came about due to my overlook in PBL 1. Another surprise was Business Law. Heh. However, I didn't managed to get an A for my favourite module, Macroeconomics. =( Nevertheless, I'm really satisfied with my overall results this semester. =)


Pei Er

Pei Er just reminded that day. She was asking if that "injured swan" which I blogged about the other day refers to her. It's so obvious, ain't it? LOL. =X Okay, Pei Er wants me explain why I called her that, because she was saying that this is a nice name given that people might think she's pitiful. LOL. Oops. =X Anyway, it's really obvious okay. As she's named Pei Er (literally swan) and always got "shot" by me, of course, won't she become an injured swan? *emphasise* Hey, saw it? I really emphasised this. =P

Anyway, I feel so honoured. =X Pei Er phoned me the other day and asked me to help her check grammatical error for her assignment. Hopefully I'm of some help. >.< Actually upon reading her assignment, I realised her English is very good. Don't understand why she asks me for help. Humph. And I think I must've really stressed her when I came up with so many questions. lolx. Just so you know, this would really help with my editing. Afterall, one should have some knowledge of what the essay is about before editing, right? But really sorry, lolx. And all the best for your upcoming exams! =D

Now this swan is facing the same problem as I was the other time - extention of time in a day. lolx. Way to go girl!

Evil swan!! Want "web-cam-eat" with me last night! Humph! But Pei Er, I don't eat supper. Fat, you understand? FAT!
 
Oh, and while we're at this.. I came upon something recently. And actually, sometimes, simplicity is enough to convey your thoughts. There's really no need for such complexed terms.
 
 
Facebook
 
Can I say I'm out of touch with the world? I guess I'm one out of a thousand who doesn't have a Facebook account. Even my 12-year-old cousin has one. Friends had been asking me to sign-up for Facebook. And I also promised Joe that I'll add him after I've created an account. But seriously, I don't know if I'll really sign up for one. Because...
 
 
Photocopier
 
The photocopier repairman brought our photocopy machine back the other day. He taught me some ways to keep the photocopy machine in good condition. He showed me the ways once and asks if I understood. I told him yes, and guess what? He said, "you're so clever". Mum at that point in time said to me, he must've thought I'm 12-year-old (-_-"), which explains his reaction. True enough, when I sent the repairman out, he asks which secondary level am I in. ._.
 
And that brought me to something else. I met up and sold my un-used game card to someone. And he too, said I don't look like a polytechnic student. lolx.
 
Actually I really don't know if I should joy or what. But that injured swan suddenly told me the other day that, "I just realised I'm the youngest among the four of us." RAWRR~~ That's indirectly telling me that I'm the oldest, lah. You wait, okay? You this TPE - Tampines Expressway ; Tan Pei Er (Ngor)!  I'll bring lots of arrows out the next time we meet, which is oh-so-fast - Thursday. =D


A song

Recently there's always this advertisement on television that played a song. And I was like.. so.. =\

Labels: Exam results, Liverpool, Past, Studies

I'm not okay at all.

With the repeat of Arsenal vs Barcelona in Champions League, I'm absolutely not okay at all.

They keep saying about this player's return to Emirates Stadium. Just like after-dinner just now. Brothers and uncle were discussing about this. I don't know.. I just can't control myself with the mention of that player's name. Tears almost dropped. And I just walked back to my room without asking brother what I wanted to ask initially.


This is really torturing.

Labels: Down, Past

That injured swan sure loves digging up my old wounds. >.<

Well, Pei Er and I took the same train the other day after our practice sessions in BBDC. She asked me a question in train and I knew what she's gonna ask. Sure, it hurts digging up the past. But I'm no longer thinking about it anymore. However, much as I wanted to forget the past, I still find it hard to. Actually up till today, I still avoid going to places where we've been before. While you may think I'm alright, I'm actually not. It still hurts going those places, but I just kept it within myself. So my dear friends, I know it's unfair, but please don't force me to visit those places alright? At least, not for now. I'm really trying hard to recover from all these. =(

As I was saying to Pei Er the other day, how nice would it be, if there's a surgery to remove unhappy memories.

I was advised by our 'future psychologist' to pen down my thoughts and feelings to fade those images. But I don't know what more I have to say. What I wanna say, I've already posted the other time. Hmm, perhaps I'll give it a thought.

Anyway, thanks girls. I know you cared. But don't worry, I won't cut my hair. =D

Labels: Past

Year 2010

Let me be selfish this year. Just a simple resolution for myself that, the smile on my face will be back and happiness will evolve around me and sorrows will be buried as much (and as fast) as possible. Hopefully I'll be able to get back on track soon, though I know myself it will take quite some time.

Labels: Past