looking forward is all it takes.

| Saturday, 31 December 2011

23:52

Alrighty. I'm back to continue my final post for 2011. So how's 2011 for me? Lots of ups and downs I'd say. And it all start right from the beginning of the year.

January

Just a week before Uncle Peter passed away, on 10 January, I was out with Mum and brother to shop for CNY stuffs when we received a phone call from Uncle Peter's buddy, Uncle Koh. He told us that Uncle Peter wants to give up fighting already, and wants us to give the go ahead for him. Of course, we weren't agreeable to it. And he seemed to have given up the thought a few days later. However, his condition turned for the worse during this period. Fever not being able to subside and internal blessings occurred. Breathing became very difficult for him and at times we were very afraid he'll be leaving us. I'm really afraid of receiving phone calls from brother when I was in school. Because a phone call spells bad signs.

We were all taking turns taking care and staying by Uncle's side from Friday to Sunday during that week. Breathing worsen many times but Uncle seemed to breeze through. Worsen again just before we left the hospital on Sunday night. However was alright after some time. For the very first time, I didn't mute my phone because I was really afraid Uncle might not survive through. All the way till I woke up for school, no phone calls from 3rd uncle who was accompanying him at the hospital. So I thought, no news = good news. Had planned to accompany him after my lesson on Monday. Then at 8.45am, Mum phoned and told me what I had planned too. At 9.10am, another phone call. This time, it was brother. He told me to get to the hospital. I thought I could still see Uncle Peter. But he last breathed at 9.19am, when I was hailing a cab. I couldn't assure him in time that he need not worry about grandma - the person he worries most. No promises could be made. And this really saddens me. Nothing could describe how I'm feeling. Even till now, it still aches me bitterly. Never in my life have I cried so terribly, not even when Uncle Mao passed away three years ago. 17 January 2011. That was the worst day of my life. This is definitely a very big blow to me.

My only regrets are not visiting you him often enough, and not giving him the assurance that I wanted to. :( Till now, I still can't accept the fact that he's left us. I really don't understand why such thing had to happen to such a great person like him. I really don't understand.

Dedicated a post to Uncle Peter on Facebook the night before we send him on his last journey. And that was when I 'sort of' return to Facebook.

But grandma's been well during the period of Uncle Peter's absence. I know for sure, Uncle's been looking after grandma up there. Right, Uncle Peter? :)

Oh yea, I did managed to fulfill something though. I've finally brought grandma out for exercise last Saturday. Though only once for the whole of 2011, but it's still better than none, right? =x

真的好想你。

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Posted about the heartbreak as well, and seeking forgiveness from the besties about my MIA. I suppose my family really did somehow found out about our patch. Heard from brother that it's also due to this that Uncle don't feel safe to leave what he's left with, with me. Hmm.. even Uncle also knows that jerk's unreliable, and is likely to con me of my stuffs. Well done, Uncle! But your niece's ain't stupid, hor. ;)

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March

Went Taiwan for a holiday, like finally. This trip definitely came at a time no better than this. Following the heartbreak, Uncle Peter passing away, as well as the stress over studies, this getaway is definitely a very much needed one. Oh, and this is the first oversea trip after like nine years?! Excited to the max can! ^_^

It was a 10-day trip to Taiwan and mind you, Taiwan's a really great place to visit! Totally fell in love with Taiwan and can't wait to go again! ^_^ Oh yea, did I mention seeing some handsomes over there? My xiao wei and alishan~~ Ahhhh!! Wonder if I can still get to see them when I travel next year. But luck's not with me, because my camera, or rather, the SD card died on me on the second or third day. I didn't know at all, and continued snapping around. Came back and checked the photos, could only retrieve a lil portion of it. Damn sad-ed, you know? Moreover, my alishan's gone too! Sad to the infinity can! I not only snapped pictures of him, but I also took a video of him singing. Like, what the hell! :'(

Luggage overloaded. Could be because it's my first trip there - lotsa things to buy. lol. So lesson learnt - I'm opting for 30kg for the trip next year. I'd rather pay a lil more for now, than paying so much more should I really exceeded the limit.

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April

Met up with the besties, like finally. We met on April Fool's, did we? A lil awkward too, because I haven't met them for so long. And I feel really bad for MIA-ing. Sorry gals. I'm really thankful that they didn't give up this friendship. <3 Anyway, it's bowling session that day. It's my first time too.

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July

Got back the Common Test results and I'm really disappointed in myself. I failed Managerial Accounting module, not by 1 or 2 marks, but by a relatively big margin. Made a grave mistake and it cost me dearly. Was so disappointed that I 'blamed' my ancestors for not blessing me no matter how sincere I am. And thus followed by blaming them for not blessing Uncle Peter when he's even more sincere than I am, and a very much better, filial person than I am. I know I shouldn't do that, but I just can't help myself, especially after Uncle Peter was rewarded leukemia with sincerity. I'm so sorry, ancestors. But now I know why they don't bless me. Mum just told me the other day that my grandfather didn't used to like me when he was still around. He was more of the traditional type - favours boys over girls. So, that probably explains why? Hmm.. But I'm glad grandma's not like my grandfather. I heard she loves girls. No wonder she dotes on me so much. And even till now, she's always looking for me. Like, there was once when I got home late and she didn't sleep because of that. x_x I'm still like a lil girl to her. She's always asking me to eat when it's dinner time, like so afraid I'll go hungry. Haa. Grandma, I love you. <3

Anyway, even till now, it still pricks me whenever I heard of people getting leukemia. It'll just remind me of Uncle Peter.. The suffering he'd gone through.. The life taken away. Why, why such a healthy person like him had to suffer this? But I thank God for not taking Uncle Peter away from us so fast. He managed to survived through a period of seven months, when the doctor had estimated a period of two to three months.

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Another thing. I went for a concert for the very first time of my life! Like, WOW! It's the Korean Music Wave 2011 and I'm so amazed. All thanks to my cousin, who came for a holiday with 3rd aunt and and her brother. My cousin's a truly Korean-craze. Haa. And it so happened that this concert falls within the period they're here. She wants to go so badly, and aunt got me to accompany her.

Actually I'm not that keen in going, because the concert so happened to fall on the same day as Aaron Yan's autograph session at IMM. However, she won't be able to go if I don't agree. So yep. Was really disappointed that I couldn't attend Aaron Yan's thought. :( But anyway, the concert was an experience for me, allowing me to see so many bands at one go, like U-Kiss, FT Island and the likes like Big Bang and 2NE1. Okay, I admit I'm really afraid Big Bang might sing a song, but thank goodness, guess that song was quite some time ago, so they didn't sang it afterall.

Thanks, cousin. You made it possible for my first. :)

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August

This final semester before the internship was really hectic. Totally no life, I'd say. Imagine coming home from school everyday, bathed and had dinner, then up next - sit infront of laptop to do projects. Well, that's been my life for the past six months of the semester. And when I said 'everyday', it's really everyday. Sometimes I really wonder why in the world did I put in hell lotsa effort, when the rest only put in so little, and gotten the same reward. Hard work definitely don't pay off. And this applies to friendship as well. Polytechnic friends to me, are just hi-bye friends. They aren't, and don't make good confidante. And if unlucky, you'll end up being a tool to them. That's my case, probably?

The way they, or rather, she treat me. And she still dare to say I'll surely be MIA after graduation. Hello? You don't know me well definitely. Family, to me, comes first. And friends' up next. Alright? I do cherish friendship alot. And they way you treat me really makes me feel like MIA-ing, too. So what, if I appears during the meet out? I'll always be the one who's being leftout, no matter what. And so what, when I'm always the one giving? You approached me for help, I'll always give all out. Yes, I do, no matter you're close to me or not. But end up? It's just fruitless. Would you appreciate it? No. Well, I guess no matter what I do, the treatment will still be different between us. If so, why don't you jolly well get her to help and just leave me alone?

Everytime I suggested / planned something, you'll disagree. But when 'she' suggested, you'll agree straight. Well, if you don't like my suggestions, then jolly well tell me. Asked me for suggestions, and when I suggest, you don't wanna take it. What do you take me for? Leaving me out is already good enough. And you still had to treat me this way. Oh, and I'm sorry, I seriously don't like the idea of 'her' going Taiwan with us.

I'm sorry, but this ain't the friendship I'd hoped for. Friendship to me, is all about being able to laugh and joke around together. I didn't want to elaborate so much actually, but I just needed a gateway to pour everything out. And my blog, is the best way to do so.

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September

Start of internship. Got into this company very unexpectedly. Was given the option to choose the companies and field that we wanna enter into. However, this company wasn't in the list. Was told that this company actually sent in the application late, hence the omission. I was thinking, since there weren't any company that interests me, I decided to choose the ones with very high pay, so there won't be a chance of me getting in. lol. Then, as expected, out of the six choices given, I did not get into any of it. The in-charge then allocate IRAS to me. However, she phoned me a week later and told me there's openings for this company and asked if I wanna take up the offer. I was like, WOW. Reason being, this company has been the one that I've been wanting to get in since Secondary 4. That was the first accounting firm that I heard of, which probably explains why the feeling for the firm.

So talking about the internship, I didn't learn much actually. Or should I say, it's too complex for me. This department's not what I wanted to enter. However, am glad that the seniors are all nice people. The executive's director a Dutch. Very, very nice and friendly person. :) However, he'll be leaving the company soon. :(

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October

"Quarreled" with one of the poly mates over the Taiwan trip. Thankfully, all's solved. Also went to my very first Dinner & Dance. But not able to wear nice nice though, because my seniors decided to follow the theme. :(

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November

Am showing signs of happiness. Somehow. My days will just be brightened up the moment I saw him. However, the timing seemed to have messed up totally and I could no longer see him. I don't like this feeling really. :( Why in the first place gave me the chance of seeing him, yet take back after awhile? I'd really rather I don't see him at all in the first place. No hope = no disappointments. And now, just because of that short period, I'm always so looking forward to seeing him, but ended up in disappointments and disappointments in the past month. And I suppose, there won't be a next again. Sighs. Such things always happen to me, no?

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December

Went for marathon like finally. Conquered 10km for the timing of 1:23:41. Glad to have achieved such good result, which was also below my target of 1 hour 30 minutes. Also surpassed my 2007 result by an hour. :) And by the way, Mum was so cute can! She told me to keep the running singlet as a "souvenir" and not use it, because it's unique due to the different design every year. lol.

Bought the camera at last. Not DSLR though, due to some issues. Second time back to that place to purchase the camera after September. Actually I'm already numb, but somehow upon reaching, and saw the familiar places, I teared suddenly. Told sis-in-law about it, but well. All I wanted to say is, not everyone take the same time to recover.

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Well, to sum-up everything. I'm really glad he's off my mind at last. Yeah, sort of. Should say, I'm already numb (no feelings) to his name. But his name and that place irks me still. And I'm still on the road to recovery. Hopefully by the time the future one comes, I'll be able to visit those places I detests with him happily.

For those who said this to me, "it's so long already. don't think about him can already." Well, as mentioned earlier, the period of recovery differs. One thing I'd like to say - I did not think of him. Everything just occurred naturally. As an emotional person and one who puts too much feeling into the relationship, if I say it doesn't pricks, I'd be lying. I think I'm already showing good progress to have come thus far. Perhaps for you, your recovery is fast. But hey, that doesn't mean everyone's the same as you. I hope you get what I mean.

Labels: 17.01.2011, Concert, Disappointed, Emo, Family, Feelings, Friends, HS, Internship, Marathon, Memories, New Year, Promise, Reflection, Regrets, Sigh, Stressed, Studies

| Friday, 22 May 2009