走进你房里找东西，却又不禁地忆起你。。这就是我不喜欢到你房里的原因。不知不觉，你已经离开了一年七个月零一天。但你无时无刻都没离开过我心房。。很多时候都不自觉地想起你。。想到你离开的最后那几天。。想到你多么的痛苦；还一度要我们让医生让你拔管。好心酸。。敬爱的叔叔，你别来无恙？

妈妈要我到你房里整理你的东西。。说，要是我不需要的话，就给女佣或丢掉。当然，我有万分的不舍。。尽管我知道留着也没用，但毕竟那些都是你的遗物。。都有你的回忆。我真不知道该怎么办才好。。:'(

Labels: 17.01.2011, Family, Misses, Reminiscence

17 January 2011, 9.19am. Exactly a year has passed. It's the time when you left us. I miss you, Uncle Peter. :(

Hope you're doing alright up there. Grandma's doing great, as you can see. No worries ya. :)

Labels: 17.01.2011

Woke up early today for Uncle Peter's ritual. Thank goodness my eyebags aren't as heavy as yesterday's. >.<

Burnt the incense papers and I remember how fast and nicely spread it was when Uncle Peter's the one making it. Uncle Peter, it's been a lunar year since you left. You're so deeply missed.

Your best buddies were there today too. Did you see it? Really appreciate their coming. Although there were nothing they could do, but they still came. They just sat there and chat around with one another because only our family need to be involved in the ritual. Hope they won't feel neglected that we didn't really spoke to them. >.< All in all, thank you uncles for coming! :)

Was out for almost the whole day. Feel really bad that we've to leave grandma alone at home. No one to see and talk to, other than the maid. But I doubt the maid chatted much with grandma too. Am wondering if I made a bad choice on going for my graduation trip too. Because that will mean leaving grandma for 10 days. Brother doesn't chat with grandma. And with Uncle Peter's gone, I'm the only one who'll chat most with grandma. So ya.. :(

Labels: 17.01.2011, Family, Holiday

Wow, I've just realised I've been blogging everyday in 2012. Haa.

Anyway, I feel that my recent posts make no sense at times (referring to the grammar). Well, been getting lazy to do a double-check nowadays. Still as descriptive though. I guess many might feel that my posts are very descriptive too. Well, that's because I wanna have the moments captured as detailed as possible since I don't have a good memory. And so, when I look back, I'll be able to relate better.

Alrights, shall end my post here. Have to go to bed real soon because we'll be making a trip to the temple tomorrow for some rituals thingy for Uncle Peter's first anniversary (lunar). That being said, hope Uncle Peter's doing well up there. With love. ❤

Labels: 17.01.2011, Beauty, Family, Photos, Shagged

Alrighty. I'm back to continue my final post for 2011. So how's 2011 for me? Lots of ups and downs I'd say. And it all start right from the beginning of the year.

January

Just a week before Uncle Peter passed away, on 10 January, I was out with Mum and brother to shop for CNY stuffs when we received a phone call from Uncle Peter's buddy, Uncle Koh. He told us that Uncle Peter wants to give up fighting already, and wants us to give the go ahead for him. Of course, we weren't agreeable to it. And he seemed to have given up the thought a few days later. However, his condition turned for the worse during this period. Fever not being able to subside and internal blessings occurred. Breathing became very difficult for him and at times we were very afraid he'll be leaving us. I'm really afraid of receiving phone calls from brother when I was in school. Because a phone call spells bad signs.

We were all taking turns taking care and staying by Uncle's side from Friday to Sunday during that week. Breathing worsen many times but Uncle seemed to breeze through. Worsen again just before we left the hospital on Sunday night. However was alright after some time. For the very first time, I didn't mute my phone because I was really afraid Uncle might not survive through. All the way till I woke up for school, no phone calls from 3rd uncle who was accompanying him at the hospital. So I thought, no news = good news. Had planned to accompany him after my lesson on Monday. Then at 8.45am, Mum phoned and told me what I had planned too. At 9.10am, another phone call. This time, it was brother. He told me to get to the hospital. I thought I could still see Uncle Peter. But he last breathed at 9.19am, when I was hailing a cab. I couldn't assure him in time that he need not worry about grandma - the person he worries most. No promises could be made. And this really saddens me. Nothing could describe how I'm feeling. Even till now, it still aches me bitterly. Never in my life have I cried so terribly, not even when Uncle Mao passed away three years ago. 17 January 2011. That was the worst day of my life. This is definitely a very big blow to me.

My only regrets are not visiting you him often enough, and not giving him the assurance that I wanted to. :( Till now, I still can't accept the fact that he's left us. I really don't understand why such thing had to happen to such a great person like him. I really don't understand.

Dedicated a post to Uncle Peter on Facebook the night before we send him on his last journey. And that was when I 'sort of' return to Facebook.

But grandma's been well during the period of Uncle Peter's absence. I know for sure, Uncle's been looking after grandma up there. Right, Uncle Peter? :)

Oh yea, I did managed to fulfill something though. I've finally brought grandma out for exercise last Saturday. Though only once for the whole of 2011, but it's still better than none, right? =x

真的好想你。

-----------------------
Posted about the heartbreak as well, and seeking forgiveness from the besties about my MIA. I suppose my family really did somehow found out about our patch. Heard from brother that it's also due to this that Uncle don't feel safe to leave what he's left with, with me. Hmm.. even Uncle also knows that jerk's unreliable, and is likely to con me of my stuffs. Well done, Uncle! But your niece's ain't stupid, hor. ;)

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March

Went Taiwan for a holiday, like finally. This trip definitely came at a time no better than this. Following the heartbreak, Uncle Peter passing away, as well as the stress over studies, this getaway is definitely a very much needed one. Oh, and this is the first oversea trip after like nine years?! Excited to the max can! ^_^

It was a 10-day trip to Taiwan and mind you, Taiwan's a really great place to visit! Totally fell in love with Taiwan and can't wait to go again! ^_^ Oh yea, did I mention seeing some handsomes over there? My xiao wei and alishan~~ Ahhhh!! Wonder if I can still get to see them when I travel next year. But luck's not with me, because my camera, or rather, the SD card died on me on the second or third day. I didn't know at all, and continued snapping around. Came back and checked the photos, could only retrieve a lil portion of it. Damn sad-ed, you know? Moreover, my alishan's gone too! Sad to the infinity can! I not only snapped pictures of him, but I also took a video of him singing. Like, what the hell! :'(

Luggage overloaded. Could be because it's my first trip there - lotsa things to buy. lol. So lesson learnt - I'm opting for 30kg for the trip next year. I'd rather pay a lil more for now, than paying so much more should I really exceeded the limit.

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April

Met up with the besties, like finally. We met on April Fool's, did we? A lil awkward too, because I haven't met them for so long. And I feel really bad for MIA-ing. Sorry gals. I'm really thankful that they didn't give up this friendship. <3 Anyway, it's bowling session that day. It's my first time too.

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July

Got back the Common Test results and I'm really disappointed in myself. I failed Managerial Accounting module, not by 1 or 2 marks, but by a relatively big margin. Made a grave mistake and it cost me dearly. Was so disappointed that I 'blamed' my ancestors for not blessing me no matter how sincere I am. And thus followed by blaming them for not blessing Uncle Peter when he's even more sincere than I am, and a very much better, filial person than I am. I know I shouldn't do that, but I just can't help myself, especially after Uncle Peter was rewarded leukemia with sincerity. I'm so sorry, ancestors. But now I know why they don't bless me. Mum just told me the other day that my grandfather didn't used to like me when he was still around. He was more of the traditional type - favours boys over girls. So, that probably explains why? Hmm.. But I'm glad grandma's not like my grandfather. I heard she loves girls. No wonder she dotes on me so much. And even till now, she's always looking for me. Like, there was once when I got home late and she didn't sleep because of that. x_x I'm still like a lil girl to her. She's always asking me to eat when it's dinner time, like so afraid I'll go hungry. Haa. Grandma, I love you. <3

Anyway, even till now, it still pricks me whenever I heard of people getting leukemia. It'll just remind me of Uncle Peter.. The suffering he'd gone through.. The life taken away. Why, why such a healthy person like him had to suffer this? But I thank God for not taking Uncle Peter away from us so fast. He managed to survived through a period of seven months, when the doctor had estimated a period of two to three months.

-----------------------
Another thing. I went for a concert for the very first time of my life! Like, WOW! It's the Korean Music Wave 2011 and I'm so amazed. All thanks to my cousin, who came for a holiday with 3rd aunt and and her brother. My cousin's a truly Korean-craze. Haa. And it so happened that this concert falls within the period they're here. She wants to go so badly, and aunt got me to accompany her.

Actually I'm not that keen in going, because the concert so happened to fall on the same day as Aaron Yan's autograph session at IMM. However, she won't be able to go if I don't agree. So yep. Was really disappointed that I couldn't attend Aaron Yan's thought. :( But anyway, the concert was an experience for me, allowing me to see so many bands at one go, like U-Kiss, FT Island and the likes like Big Bang and 2NE1. Okay, I admit I'm really afraid Big Bang might sing a song, but thank goodness, guess that song was quite some time ago, so they didn't sang it afterall.

Thanks, cousin. You made it possible for my first. :)

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August

This final semester before the internship was really hectic. Totally no life, I'd say. Imagine coming home from school everyday, bathed and had dinner, then up next - sit infront of laptop to do projects. Well, that's been my life for the past six months of the semester. And when I said 'everyday', it's really everyday. Sometimes I really wonder why in the world did I put in hell lotsa effort, when the rest only put in so little, and gotten the same reward. Hard work definitely don't pay off. And this applies to friendship as well. Polytechnic friends to me, are just hi-bye friends. They aren't, and don't make good confidante. And if unlucky, you'll end up being a tool to them. That's my case, probably?

The way they, or rather, she treat me. And she still dare to say I'll surely be MIA after graduation. Hello? You don't know me well definitely. Family, to me, comes first. And friends' up next. Alright? I do cherish friendship alot. And they way you treat me really makes me feel like MIA-ing, too. So what, if I appears during the meet out? I'll always be the one who's being leftout, no matter what. And so what, when I'm always the one giving? You approached me for help, I'll always give all out. Yes, I do, no matter you're close to me or not. But end up? It's just fruitless. Would you appreciate it? No. Well, I guess no matter what I do, the treatment will still be different between us. If so, why don't you jolly well get her to help and just leave me alone?

Everytime I suggested / planned something, you'll disagree. But when 'she' suggested, you'll agree straight. Well, if you don't like my suggestions, then jolly well tell me. Asked me for suggestions, and when I suggest, you don't wanna take it. What do you take me for? Leaving me out is already good enough. And you still had to treat me this way. Oh, and I'm sorry, I seriously don't like the idea of 'her' going Taiwan with us.

I'm sorry, but this ain't the friendship I'd hoped for. Friendship to me, is all about being able to laugh and joke around together. I didn't want to elaborate so much actually, but I just needed a gateway to pour everything out. And my blog, is the best way to do so.

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September

Start of internship. Got into this company very unexpectedly. Was given the option to choose the companies and field that we wanna enter into. However, this company wasn't in the list. Was told that this company actually sent in the application late, hence the omission. I was thinking, since there weren't any company that interests me, I decided to choose the ones with very high pay, so there won't be a chance of me getting in. lol. Then, as expected, out of the six choices given, I did not get into any of it. The in-charge then allocate IRAS to me. However, she phoned me a week later and told me there's openings for this company and asked if I wanna take up the offer. I was like, WOW. Reason being, this company has been the one that I've been wanting to get in since Secondary 4. That was the first accounting firm that I heard of, which probably explains why the feeling for the firm.

So talking about the internship, I didn't learn much actually. Or should I say, it's too complex for me. This department's not what I wanted to enter. However, am glad that the seniors are all nice people. The executive's director a Dutch. Very, very nice and friendly person. :) However, he'll be leaving the company soon. :(

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October

"Quarreled" with one of the poly mates over the Taiwan trip. Thankfully, all's solved. Also went to my very first Dinner & Dance. But not able to wear nice nice though, because my seniors decided to follow the theme. :(

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November

Am showing signs of happiness. Somehow. My days will just be brightened up the moment I saw him. However, the timing seemed to have messed up totally and I could no longer see him. I don't like this feeling really. :( Why in the first place gave me the chance of seeing him, yet take back after awhile? I'd really rather I don't see him at all in the first place. No hope = no disappointments. And now, just because of that short period, I'm always so looking forward to seeing him, but ended up in disappointments and disappointments in the past month. And I suppose, there won't be a next again. Sighs. Such things always happen to me, no?

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December

Went for marathon like finally. Conquered 10km for the timing of 1:23:41. Glad to have achieved such good result, which was also below my target of 1 hour 30 minutes. Also surpassed my 2007 result by an hour. :) And by the way, Mum was so cute can! She told me to keep the running singlet as a "souvenir" and not use it, because it's unique due to the different design every year. lol.

Bought the camera at last. Not DSLR though, due to some issues. Second time back to that place to purchase the camera after September. Actually I'm already numb, but somehow upon reaching, and saw the familiar places, I teared suddenly. Told sis-in-law about it, but well. All I wanted to say is, not everyone take the same time to recover.

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Well, to sum-up everything. I'm really glad he's off my mind at last. Yeah, sort of. Should say, I'm already numb (no feelings) to his name. But his name and that place irks me still. And I'm still on the road to recovery. Hopefully by the time the future one comes, I'll be able to visit those places I detests with him happily.

For those who said this to me, "it's so long already. don't think about him can already." Well, as mentioned earlier, the period of recovery differs. One thing I'd like to say - I did not think of him. Everything just occurred naturally. As an emotional person and one who puts too much feeling into the relationship, if I say it doesn't pricks, I'd be lying. I think I'm already showing good progress to have come thus far. Perhaps for you, your recovery is fast. But hey, that doesn't mean everyone's the same as you. I hope you get what I mean.

Labels: 17.01.2011, Concert, Disappointed, Emo, Family, Feelings, Friends, HS, Internship, Marathon, Memories, New Year, Promise, Reflection, Regrets, Sigh, Stressed, Studies

Uncle Peter, I've finally fulfilled my promise to you in bringing grandma to exercise. :)

Did you see it? Grandma is really enjoying her birthday throughout today. You must be smiling up there, aren't you? :)

Labels: 17.01.2011, Birthday, Promise

I'm deeply shocked and saddened to know that ex-Mediacorp actor, Tan Boon Chong, might be suffering from acute myelogenous leukemia. I truly understand how his loved ones are feeling right now, because this was what Uncle Peter fell victim to. This is a very serious and urgent thing, especially when the blood bank is low now (FYI, he's type AB - any blood type is suitable for him).

Saw the appeals over Facebook today from Mediacorp-related people. Hopefully there'll be people coming forward to donate the platelets. I mean of course, it's not only for him. But for those who need it as well. Trust me, you'll be doing a great deal to those who are in need of them.

Acute myelogenous leukemia is very serious, with the white blood cells spreading very quickly. And this in turn results in a serious (and accelerated) drop in the red blood cells and platelets. Normal circumstances would be red blood cells more than the white ones. This is one of the very fast cancer killer around.

I've done my part sharing Cruz Teng's appeal on Facebook. Doubt anyone from my list would come forward to help though, won't even share, I reckon. Appealed in Twitter as well, but seems like no one even bothered retweeting, when it's just a click away (and when they can typed so much). Oh well, that just shows how selfish the people are. But nevertheless, at least I helped, in one way or another.

Well, if you are wondering, I'm not being enthusiastic for nothing. It's merely because I truly understand how it feels like (in the position of an-victim's family member) at such point in time. Besides, leukemia is top in the list that I really wanna help.

Hopefully it ain't that serious as I thought. But judging from how they appealed, it really seemed the case as Uncle Peter's. Please bless him alright.

PS. Sorry for the label of others being selfish, but I seriously can't stand those who can just "wait and see what will happen". I mean, it's just using your finger to press on a button. Simple as that, ain't it? Don't blame me; this issue is my utmost concern when it comes to such illnesses.

Labels: 17.01.2011, Illness

The Chinese Million Star this week is really making my eyes teary. Okay, I admit, I've just switched on the television only. Heard the stories of three contestants; all dedicated to their loved ones who has passed away - all being succumbed by cancer. Somehow, I'm being reminded of Uncle Peter again. This week's theme - "My Music Profile" (literally). If I were to choose a story for this theme, no doubt, it'll be dedicated to Uncle Peter. ❤

Labels: 17.01.2011, Misses, TV

Though you're no longer around, but still, Happy Birthday, Uncle Peter! ❤

Labels: 17.01.2011, Birthday

Dear Uncle Peter and Uncle Mao,

EPL 11/12 season kicks off tonight. Are you guys watching up there together? :)

Deeply missed* ❤

Labels: 17.01.2011, 26/03/2008, Misses

100th day. In a blink of an eye, it's 100th day since your passing..

Despite everyone saying there's no need to follow the "no bright clothes and golds" custom, I followed.. It's out of my respect to you, my dear Uncle Peter. You were great, really. I know these are all worthwhile.

You've never left my mind, even when I went for the Taiwan trip.. that's just how much you're missed.

Prayers since you were diagnosed with cancer.. and it never stopped even after you passed away. Today, it's the 100th day since you passed away. Hopefully my prayers are all heard.

Much as I wanted to, I can't.. I'm sorry I wasn't able to go today because I have classes. =(

You'll always be in my thought, Uncle Peter. ❤ *Deeply missed*


PS. I know Dad must've hated my nag for the past two weeks, lol. But all I wanted, was to make sure he called to arrange the ritual/prayer thingy with the master. (who asked him to keep delaying the call =P) I just want to ensure everything are properly arranged, that's all. >_<

Labels: 17.01.2011, Family, Misses

*deep sigh*

Ever since that day, I've been dreading drama / movie scenes with characters on their deathbed. The very moment such scenes was telecasted on the television, I'll be automatically brought back to that day where I rushed to hospital, only hear the "toooooo..." sound from the machine, seeing you lying on bed helplessly. Till now, I'm still unable to stop my memories from returning back to that day whenever I heard the "toooooo..." sound.. I guess the demise of you just hit me too much. Even when I was enjoying myself in Taiwan, you never fail to leave my mind.. Many things just reminded me of you; like the cuttlefish which I bought.. Just when I was counting the number of packets to buy, you keep running on my mind.. Cos I know you'll love it if you're still around.

I, too, am still regretting up till now, that I couldn't stay by your side till your last breath.. The day before you passed away, upon knowing that you're afraid and thus would need someone by your side, I had actually planned to visit you right after school the following day.. However, knowing the condition that you're in after we got home that night, I should have skipped my lesson to accompany you.. But I didn't.. I was thinking about it again while on the way to school. However, I still go ahead (to school) because the "no news equal good news" thoughts were all around my mind. That was the only night I had my phone without mute because I'm really worried that something might happen.. Up till I leave home for school, there's no update on your condition, thus I thought your condition was stabalised already. That was why I decided to go ahead with my plan, that is, to visit you after my lesson ends. I really blame myself.. At such point in time, I should've place family before school. I should've really skipped school and accompany you, but I didn't.. I know your biggest worry was grandma.. If I had visited you earlier, I could have assured you that grandma will be well taken care of.. But... Sigh.. It's all "ifs"...

Uncle Peter, I'm so missing you... =(

Hope you won't have to suffer these anymore in the other world.

These has been weighing in my heart since the day you left us.. I've never told anyone about this.. Hopefully with the blogging of this, the load will be lifted a lil.

With the blogging of this, it's time to stop your tears and be brave, gal!

Labels: 17.01.2011, Family, Memories, Regrets

Was watching "Together" on Channel 8 earlier on, where the image of one of the character on his deathbed reminded me of you. That image.. was exactly what I saw of you upon entering your room.. I couldn't help, but my eyes became warm at that moment.

真的好想你...

Labels: 17.01.2011